im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I love having hate sex.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I party with great urgency now.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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