I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
