Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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