I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
27 Times The Kardashian-Jenner Clan Absolutely Slayed at NYFW
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice