party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"