If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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