Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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