3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
