I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
