I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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