based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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