It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
