I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
