You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
