you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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