She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
