Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
