Ambien. No doubt about it.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
