are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
