I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Randomize
