And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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