im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just invented taco cereal.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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