So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
