Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
