I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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