I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
