i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
