i'm signing you up for texting rehab
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
