had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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