My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
