I wish my penis had an off switch
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
