How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
