DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
