Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
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