Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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