Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
