Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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