you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
