i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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