Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
nutella sex= disaster
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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