I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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