You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Boobs speak an international language.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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