Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
