he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
