My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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