Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
