There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
organizing the empties. That sober.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
