Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
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were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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