On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
