you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Randomize
