My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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