I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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