I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
