My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
