i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
