No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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