Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
