I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
