Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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