My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
